BitterSweet

Who decides what is RIGHT and what is WRONG??

2005-10-18T12:18:00.000-05:00

Last night in my Psychology of the Death and Dying class we were discussing assisted suicide. The video we were watching preached against it completely. We all know that assisted suicide is illegal and that Dr Death is serving his time now for the 130 people that he aided in killing themselves. However, this topic got me to thinking about how assisted suicide is related to abortion. Abortion is legal all over the U.S. Doctors regularly provide their medical services to mothers who wish to kill their unborn children. I would like to know how this country can legalize something as immoral as abortion and not assisted suicide. I am not by any means speaking in favor of this type of suicide. I am wondering how anyone can make logic out of this type of government. Please tell me how aborting innocent babies is right and deciding to end your own life is wrong. Does anyone have an opinion on this matter?

4 going on 40

2005-10-17T13:59:00.000-05:00

My 4 year old never ceases to amaze me. He has made his way from toddler to little boy, and this step is exciting and a little depressing for me all at the same time. I still find myself wanting to tote him on my hip from room to room just to be reminded that "I am not a baby momma." I always say "I know you are not a baby Thomas, but you will always be Momma's baby." He doesn't seem to appreciate this any more than he did when he was 2.

Friday was a long stressful day for me. School, work, and allergic reactions (that is another post) were really getting to me, and all I felt like doing was throwing myself onto the bed in a fetal position and crying until sleep took me over. Friday night I finally finished with the mommy routine of taking baths, eating supper, playing spiderman, and dodging flying legos, when I got a chance to curl up under my covers. After about 15 minutes of daydreaming about how much better and easier life will be in 6 months or so and holding back tears, Thomas made his way to the bedroom and laid his little head on the pillow next to mine. He never said anything just looked in my eyes and stroked my hair. All of a sudden some nurturing instincts that he possessed suddenly made him kiss me all over my face. I got one soft kiss on my nose, then cheeks, then chin. I could no longer hold back the tears, and they began trailing down my face. I have never seen a look of peace and understanding in anyone like I saw in Thomas' eyes at that moment. Without saying a word, he took one little index finger and wiped the tears from my face. I was astonished and completely overwhelmed with my love for this wonderful child of mine, and just like that we closed our eyes and went to sleep.

Boots Gone Wild!

2005-10-03T09:25:00.000-05:00

Thomas will be 4 years old Wednesday. We had the celebration this weekend. There was cake, ice cream, toys, clothes, people, and everything else that involves the traditional birthday event. Unfortunatley, this month is the cowboy stage. Okay...this is Mississippi and not Texas. That means that cowboy boots don't go with everything. I decided when I was 8 that my son would not have a pair of these horrible excuse for a fashion statement. I remember being so embarressed to be seen with my brother when he wore his imitation snake skin, chrome tipped cowbow boots out in public with shorts and a tank top. I could not believe my mother let him out of the house dressed like that. Yes, I have to admit that it was the 80's, and I was wearing jelly shoes with colored socks, but I somehow thought that this was the best thing that happened to fashion since tight rolled jeans. Back to the subject. My mother decided that the best thing in the world to buy Thomas for his birthday would be a shiny set of cap guns with a holster. I must admit that he looked absotuely adorable with these oversized guns hanging from his little waist all the way to his knees, but the only thing these play guns did was reinforce the idea that cowboy boots were a must have. I tried to avoid the subject entirely when my mother so graciously told Thomas that momma would buy him his cowboy boots since she had got him the guns. I did everything I could not to turn into the girl from the exorcist and rotate my head around while screaming obsenities in a voice that would bring the devil to his knees. I was doomed. Their was no way out of this. My child was crying for cowboy boots, it was his birthday, his nanna told him I would buy them, and those eyes...they get me everytime. So its 6:30pm, and I am driving to Tupelo to get the damn cowboy boots and be back for cake and ice cream by 8:00pm. I am completely determined to get the most fashionable boots possible when I realize I can get him a pair of Justin boots. Thank god I live in Mississippi. Every male I have ever known has a pair of these boots. The more worn out they are the better. There is no chrome or animal skin patterns. I get to Scruggs, find the Justin boot, and tell the girl to get me this boot (make sure it's this boot) in a 91/2. Okay now I turn into the exorcist girl. There is no 91/2 in this boot. There is not anything close to it (fuck). I glance at the other boots, and they all ooze rodeos, tight wranglers, and memories of 8 year old embarressment. I look at my watch, realize I can't go home empty handed, pick the plainest pair they have in his size and head home. While driving home I yell a few choice words, glance into the passenger seat at the most disgusting excuse for a pair of shoes on earth, and shove them under the seat to rid the sight of them in my periphrial vision. I made it home for the party, and watched as my four year old opened up his cowboy boots. I must say if anyone can make these boots wearable it would have to be Thomas. I think he could make anything adorable. However, I did sneak them off of him and hide them while he slept just to have to bring them back out when he woke up. All the torture was worth it when he grabbed my face with both hands gave me a big kiss, and said and I quote "Tank you momma buying me dat."

Writing as an "Escape Goat"

2005-09-27T13:34:00.000-05:00

A heartbreak can take the mind on a roller coaster of thoughts. This is a little bit of writing that I did while I was in mourning over a lost love.

I had a dream last night . It was dark, I was taking a midnight swim in the pool, the wind was cool, the water was warm, and the radio was softly singing sweet country tunes. As I quietly sang along to the lyrics of Anything But Mine I heard a shuffle of the leaves and turned my head slightly to see a shadow cascading towards the pool. My heart jumped to my throat, and I stopped singing the lyrics as I anxiously waited to see who was surprising me with company. Natural instincts sent my hands to my hair to make sure that the wet, wavy, layers were in place. I saw your face as you stepped from behind the gazebo, and the nervous feeling took over my insides as it always does whenever you are near. Those blue eyes caught my gaze and traveled downward to mentally examine every crease and curve of my trembling body in the moonlight. As your eyes returned to mine that breath taking smile took over your face and the feeling inside me turned from an anxious curiosity to a hungry one. I said nothing and you said nothing. You slowly undressed revealing that treasure trail that I remember following so long ago. Then you slid down in the water wearing only boxers and piercing blue eyes. Still, I said nothing and you said nothing. I felt small waves from your body entering the pool, and the warmness splashed over me as I floating in the water waiting to see what your next move would be. Suddenly you disappeared beneath me, and I held my breath. In what seemed like hours, It was must have been seconds; I felt your hand on my thigh, and I was immediately surrounded by water, my hair took flight in waves around me, and my anxious hunger grew stronger. Your hand made its way up my thigh, over my stomach, and to my neck. Our lips met, and we engaged in a warm underwater kiss. I felt your hands caressing my body and our legs intertwined. You put your hands firmly around my waist as I wrapped my legs around yours before we surfaced. We both feel the cool air over our arms and shoulders enticing this pleasurable experience. The kiss has grown hungrier. I can feel every inch of your tongue as I tried to devour and savor the taste of your lips. Your arms held me and my legs held you. My hand traveled down your cheek to your chest, then down the side of your arm tracing the tightness of your muscle. As one, we moved to the side of the pool, not thinking just lusting for one another. You kissed down my neck, and I could feel your wet face caress mine. Your arms loosened and suddenly I was sitting on the side of the pool alone and my dream ended.

ASS HOLE

2005-09-26T15:51:00.000-05:00

ex-husband: So who are you dating now?
me: Why?
me: Who are you dating now?
ex-husband: no-one
me: Okay, who are you fucking now?
ex-husband: no-one
ex-husband: Who are you fucking now?
me: no-one
ex-husband: Would you like to meet up at your mom's house for a quickie?
me: Don't you think your wife would get pissed?

Okay let me start at the beginning.

The everyday route between school and work has become my phone time. I call and make sure all is a go with Thomas and his schedule of Momma, Nanna, Daddy, Granny, and Daycare time. I call my best friend and find out about her business, which I religiously keep a log of. I call work checking to see whats up with the boss, if he is in the office, and who the gossip is about today. I call the movies to see if there is anything interesting this week. You get the picture. Today, I called my ex-husband to make sure he remebered that he had to pick Thomas up from Daycare. We stay on a schedule with days and who picks him up, but Momma feels much better if I make that extra attempt to reassure myself. My worst fear is that he ends up the last child there after everyone has gone home, and it's just him and the teacher with the lights off and her thumbing her fingers impatiently trying to reach one of his caregivers. Anyway, after I asked my ex-husband if he remembered he was picking up Thomas from daycare, he casually asked me for a quickie. I will say that I did not cut him off short when I figured out where the conversation was going, but I am not the one married. I would love for everyone to know that this gives me great pleasure to hear my ex-husband spout out these words like he has done it 1,000 times over. You might think it's because I want him back, or that I am still in love with him. The truth is that it completely reassures me that I made the right decision to leave this man, got a lawyer, took him to court, and freed myself. Being a single mom and broke is hard enough but when you occasionally have the thought weighing on your mind that you made a mistake, it's even worse. I knew all along my husband was capable of such deception but to actually have proof is such a relief. You see... my ex-husband is a newlywed. He has been married for 13 months and already wants to cheat on her. My ex-husband is the biggest ASS HOLE this side of the Mississippi.

Thomas Joe

2005-09-22T14:59:00.000-05:00

I wanted to post a picture of the infamous Thomas. This is my amazing little man. This picture was taken back in May at the Memphis Zoo. He was hot and mad, and momma was still making him pose for pictures.

Update

2005-09-22T14:15:00.000-05:00

The last time I posted I was just starting school and talking to Chad. Okay school is well underway, and Chad is well off my potential list.

I am completely going out of my mind. Driving back and forth between school and work twice a day is forcing me to hate my car and go broke from high gas prices. Juggling my time between school, work, Thomas, and a social life is giving me ideas that checking myself into the nut house may not be such a bad idea. Living under the same roof with my mother has given me an entirely different perspective of how life really is better once you are entirely dependent upon yourself. Being single without anyone to talk to who really cares and wants to listen makes me long for a relationship. It seems when times get stressful and hard that that is when I really miss what it is to have someone.

Dating in circles...........

2005-08-24T08:53:00.000-05:00

This week has been a whirl wind of excitement for me. First, I registered for my last 4 classes of school yesterday. Thats right, this time three months from now I will be the proud holder of a B.S. in Biology and Chemistry with my minor in Business. This makes me giddy all over. I have been smiling from ear to ear for two days. Then, I have started a relationship via phone with Chad. I think the last male companion I mentioned was Heath. Needless to say, this little fling ended up being just that. Chad on the other hand may actually have some long term potential. We met via my ex boyfriend, and started talking via another ex boyfriend. For some reason I always end up dating in circles. Chad is a great guy, and this I am sure of. Now the hard part will be getting the sparks going in equal amounts on both ends. No matter what I know Chad and I will have a great time together. He has this sense of humor that keeps me on my toes, and a motorcycle that I am sure will add to the excitement.

Happy Happy Birthday Baby Brother

2005-08-15T14:56:00.000-05:00

Today is my little brother's birthday. It seems like just yesterday that I was scareing the shit out of him in our dark hallway, that he was begging me to play ninja turtles with him for the millionth time, and that he was calling his little penis "taggle waggle". The first time I held him I remember being so worried that I might hurt that gross sore on his belly. I still worry about him getting hurt, but now in different ways. I can't remeber a time that I was not trying to protect him from something. I think Eric Webb from Bethlehem elementary school is still traumatized from me grabbing him from behind by the collar of his shirt and threatening to rip every limb from his body with my bare hands if he took one more step in his attempt to chase my brother around the playground. The hardest thing about being Jeremy's big sister today is that I can't protect him anymore. The best thing about it is that I know he does a damn good job himself. Jeremy carries this hard shell on the outside, but it's the goodness that he carries within that makes him who he is. I am proud of him for so many reasons but most of all for not being afraid to be himself. You have the world at your finger tips little man. Embrace it. Happy Twenty Second Birthday little brother of mine. I love you.

Things I will never do

2005-08-10T16:31:00.000-05:00

I just got finished reading a couple of pages of a book I came across entitled Stiff. The book is about human cadavors and how each part is used in studies. I actually found it very interesting. This made me wonder about all the things in this world that I will never have knowledge about. Okay.....I know health insurance, I am good with biology and chemistry (my major) , I am good at being a mom, I know about love and heartbreak, I can cook, I am fairly fashionable, etc etc. However, there are so many things in my lifetime that I will never get a chance to see, or learn, or do. or understand. For instance, I will never perform brain surgery, sing in the opera, live in Alaska, understand how the telephone, television, or radio actually works, and so on. I mean seriously I was born in mississippi and I will probably die in mississippi. To be honest, what I would love to do more than anything is travel to 3rd world countries to offer my services with hungry, helpless, starving people. No joke!! I here about people who just up and leave staying over seas for months at a time and wonder how do you just leave your life and responsibilities behind. Anyway........just thoughts in my head.

2005-08-09T12:25:00.000-05:00

I decided to watch You've Got Mail last night AGAIN after conquering the unending challenge of getting Thomas to sleep. I love Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks in this movie. The filmakers made everthing about the scenery and life of New York just beautiful, and the only thing holding me back from relaxing quite time with that warm cozy romanitc comedy feeling was a wild, chocolate milk high, batman suit wearing, little rugrat. It was about 9:30pm, and I had just dragged him to bed kicking and screaming, none-the-less. We were doing our regular routine of the three little pigs, the princess and dragon, and discussing politics when he finally dozed off. I headed straight for the kitchen, made myself my own tall glass of chocolate milk (its addictive) and settled in to watch Tom persuade Meg that he is the man for her. After it was over and I had soaked a couple tissues with Meg's proclomation of "I hoped it would be you" I started thinking about how many of these types of movies I watch on a regular basis. I think romantic comedies and love stories have forever changed my dating life. I can't have a relationship because my expectations have been set by hollywood standards. I am sorry girls, but guys do not do those things in real life. At least I hope they don't, because if they do, that just means they don't do those things for me. Oh God please let a Tom Hanks walk in this door right now! Now see if this were the movies, the man of my dreams would have walked in.

Weekend Delight.......

2005-08-03T09:11:00.000-05:00

Thomas spent the weekend with his dad, so I took complete advantage of alone time. If you guys have never seen Diary of a Mad Black Woman let me recommend it highly. I laughed whole heartedly and cried full throttle throughout the entire movie. Anyone who finds humor in real life situations, or anyone who has been completely heart broken can definitely relate. Needless to say, I got a rude awakening and have decided to live life on a different level. Not all as a result of this movie, but as a result of several things that are going on with me right now. I have taken up reading as a free time hobby. Reading has always been a past time, but now it seems to be a routine that I partake in on a daily basis. It lets me getaway from regular life and live the lives of the characters in my book for short periods of time. Last night I was reading Light in August by William Faulkner while lying in bed with Thomas to get him to sleep. It was so peaceful.......him laying in my lap, feeling the motions of his little chest moving up and down as he falls into that deep sleep, my mind taking me back in time to life with mules plowing fields and dirt roads as far as the eye can see. Spending an enormous amount of time alone can change the way one thinks. Aside from crying over one of the best movies I have yet to see, and escaping in a world of pages and words, I also spent some time with Heath this weekend. I have decided to limit myself to only Heath as far as male company goes for the time being. This is not saying we are in a relationship because we are not. This is just my way of slowing things down and guarding myself a little more. I find Heath attractive in so many ways. He has this sexiness about him that I have not figured out yet. I don't have the desire to spend lots of time with him, but the time we do share together I thoroughly enjoy. Tonight we are going to a movie, and I am looking forward to it. I guess what I am trying to say in this post is that the changes in my life are going to be how I spend my time hiding. Seeing a different guy or going out with different friends to hide from myself from the world is no longer going to be the way I do things. I am going to spend my time more constructive.......wish me luck.

Trip to Wal-Mart

2005-08-01T10:40:00.000-05:00

Monday..........don't we all hate mondays. I kinda feel like I am in slow motion. Hopefully after lunch things will get going.

My weekend was more relaxing than anything. I read a lot and bought three new novels all by William Faulkner that I am excited about reading. Last night I went to Heath's house. He is this guy that I have been casually seeing. I don't really see this one going beyond casual, then again I never saw myself posting blogs either. My mother and I had a nice talk yesterday. Between the compulsive obsessive fits that she was throwing while noticing unorganized choas in my room. It really is strange how we are so different. I am comfortable in my room laying on my bed, covers wrapped up in tangles, shoes and clothes on the floor, and magazines and books thrown around on the nightstand. However my mother can't breath when her shoes are not perfectly aligned. Thomas has been at his dad's all weekend, and I am ready to see him. I bought him some spiderman underwear yesterday with a cute little storybook. I have learned my lesson about taking him with me when I want to get him something. A trip to wal-mart with my three year old always turns about to be a hellish experience with me picking my hair out of the floor after having pulled most of it out, Thomas throwing more things in the basket as I pull them out, the sound of his loud cries ringing all the way from the grocery side to the mechanics side, and me finally throwing my hands up, grabbing Thomas, and heading out the door empty handed and exhausted.

God Bless You All

2005-07-28T13:32:00.000-05:00

I would like to give a very heart felt thank you to all of our men and women serving in the armed forces. As I sit at my desk and look out the window, black ribbon and American flags are flying high to honor Blake Mounts, a 22 year old soldier who died in Iraq fighting for us. God be with his family and friends during this time. I truly feel for our guys out their who have no idea from one day to the next if they will be coming home to the hugs and kisses of thier loved ones or whether they will be arriving draped with an American flag. I feel that many of us live our lives day to day taking for granted everthing that our men and women serving in Iraq are going through. We live our lives day to day, kissing our children goodbye in the mornings, working our 9-5 jobs, having dinner with family at night, and spending weekends as we please not thinking about our soilders who would give anything to hold their baby in their arms, or craw into a cozy bed at night with their love.

God Bless You All

Work as an escape goat.........

2005-07-27T09:44:00.000-05:00

Ok....I know home is where I am supposed to go to escape from work, but not in my life. Home is where the mad three year old runs around with swords pretending to be something similar to a power ranger. Home is where MOTHER is rewriting the bible, because Jesus just doesn't know everything she does. Home is the only place on earth without internet access or cable TV.

Is it logical to say you are clinically depressed if the highlight of your day is bedtime. I find that when I sleep I can be whatever I want. I can do whatever I want. My troubles are temporarily out of my head.

Anyway, Thursday night Thomas will be going to his dad's, and I think I might got to a movie with Andy.

Ramblings of a tormented mind.......

2005-07-26T16:52:00.000-05:00

I never actually thought it was possible for every single human being on earth to GET ON MY DAMN NERVES. Today has been one of those days. You know when someone calls your name and you would rather eat off your left arm than politely reply.....yes. I think I am completely surrounded by idiots. This is not an understatement. Not to mention, I have come down with step throat which I happened to catch from my son who goes to daycare. How a person can work in a place with dozens of children ages 2-7 running wild I will never know. I think there is this point when a child decides their day will from now on be spent doing whatever they can to drive their mothers insane. I myself, have a wonderful angel of a three year old. He and I are still deciding who the parent is. I will take the blame for this because I have a bad habit of being inconsistent. Then again........I must lay most of the blame on my neurotic, controlling, old-fashioned, parents. Seriously, my mother needs to get a life and stop trying to decide what is best for my child. I understand that she was one of those mothers that always had my brother and I dry our hair completely with the hairdryer so we would not catch a cold (even when I had the dreaded 80's perm), she watched my brother like a hawk until he finished every last pea at supper (yes SUPPER), and she gave spankings with daddy's leather belt for uddering the word butt, but I am not my mother. I will never mother like she does. I think because of those experiences I will forever do things completely opposite of what she does. Thomas you can thank your nana that your curfew will be 1:00am at age ten.